The Shit List: Ten Things to Do On Las Ramblas on a Saturday Night Before You Die
Some travel companies like to Google activities in Europe so they can put together sparsely worded listicles mandating you try 30 different things located in all the disparate corners of the vast European continent before you die. The only way to feasibly achieve this would be to jump on one of their dog-forsaken “5,000 countries in three days” tours, which are expensive and prolifically unpleasant. Stoke Travel isn’t like those other travel companies. We like to do a few things and do them well. We’re thorough, and enjoyable. Thoroughly enjoyable. We put forward as evidence our carefully curated list of 10 things to do on Las Ramblas Barcelona nightlife, on a Saturday night before you die (obviously before you die cos you’re not going to do them once you’re dead now, are you?).
1. Step in piss
If you’re a tourist out for a good time on Las Ramblas, it’s probably the height of summer and really dry. So what are all these puddles everywhere? One guess, fool. Open up your nostrils, can’t you smell its mineral tang rising with the heat from those beautiful pavers? You realise now what has been catching on your thongs (Australian thongs, not American thongs) and flicking up all over the back of your sunburnt legs. Ahhh, you cry, and try to brush it off, but then you realise you have it all over your fingers. You have no choice but to carry on, but you wear your new knowledge like a shameful secret and hope that no one can smell it on you. When you think no one is looking, you sniff your fingers.
2. Give money to a homeless person with a dog and a humorous sign
Why do all the homeless people here have dogs? you slur in Chad’s ear as you walk past a dreadlocked young woman crooning to a puppy in a nest of blankets. At first the high levels of visible homelessness prod you awkwardly in your sheltered core as you try to decide whether you give them money or not and whether it would mean you have to give money to every homeless person you see and can you afford that and are they really homeless?, when you see a guy holding a sign scrawled with need $ for hores and weed. You are disarmed by his roguish charm and larrikin-ish sign, so you give him €1 and a comradely nod, because you were only going to spend it on hores and weed yourself.
3. Be offered drugs
The first time a guy standing stationary in the hustle of Las Ramblas makes unflinching eye-contact with you, you might think it’s because your eyebrows are on fleek tonight. As you get closer, he’ll murmur, Do you like stuff? (Stuff??) MDMA? Cocaine? Marijuana? You realise he is just trying to sell you drugs. You slide by cautiously because you’re afraid of being pickpocketed or stabbed, and to your back he sings in a voice a notch more audible, Smoke weed? in a final bid to win your custom. This will happen to you approximately once every five steps.
4. Buy Estrellas from the guy holding the six-pack
How were you to know that the convenience stores (here everyone calls them “Pakis”, but you won’t do that because it’s not PC, will you?) aren’t supposed to sell alcohol after 11pm because the locals are sick of drunk tourists like you turning their beautiful city into a hotbed of puke and venereal disease? But what’s this? A man making eye-contact who is holding beers and not muttering about drugs? Well he looks harmless enough. You pay €2 for two Estrellas (Estrella Damm, Barcelona’s beer of choice). It seems a tad exorbitant but you’re desperately thirsty and you were declined entry into some nightclub called Boulevard because you’ve got a dick and an American accent and jandals on. As you walk away, he adds, You like stuff? You quicken your pace, fears of being stabbed renewed afresh.
5. Get chatted up by prostitutes
As you fail to nonchalantly walk-run away from the drug dealer you bought the Estrellas from, you hear a friendly voice, Hey baby, you want some brown sugar? You turn around to find a temptress of the night m