Comment vous assurer que tout le monde dans votre dortoir vous hait
Every 20-something traveller has stayed in a hostel at some point in their lives. If you’re busy running around Europe like the barefoot boho babe your instagram depicts you to be, there’s a high chance you’re probably spending a fair bit of time in hostels. It’s a common misconception that you immediately make friends with everyone in your hostel dorm because you’re all young, hip, cool travellers. Sometimes this is true, sure, and while we’ve heard some straight up heartwarming stories of love and lifelong friendships, this isn’t always the case.
Everyone has that one person in their dorm who is just really fucking annoying, and although you might think that’s just their personality, they have probably spent a long time practicing the art of being the shittest person in the dorm. If for some reason, you want to be that person, even if it’s just every once in a while, here are the top five tried and tested ways to make everyone in your dorm hate you.
- Come back late at night and turn the light on
This is a classic move. You’ve been out boozing with your mates (or hot foreign strangers) and decide it’s finally time to retreat back to the hostel and rest your weary head. It’s late at night and you know for a fact that everyone is going to be asleep in the dorm. This is where you get to practice being a real dick head! You barge into the room after fucking around with your key-card and once you’re finally in, you flick on the light. The room lights up in a very bright fluorescent manner and the sound of the irritated mumbles from your sleepy dorm-mates fill the room. Leave the light on for as long as you dare. Well done, you’re one step closer to being the most hated person in the room.
- Skype your best friend in the room (extra points for doing it without headphones)
You’ve been away for a while now and your best friend is dying to tell you the latest mundane gossip about the same boring people back home, and of course, you’re dying to hear it. You climb into your bunk bed and begin the call that is going to go for an hour at least, and start your very intensive gossip session. People come and go, they put their headphones in, shoot you dirty looks and aggressively pull shut the curtains on their bed (if your hostel is fancy enough to have bed curtains), but you couldn’t give two shits. Continue on for as long as you can, talking at an above-average volume about how you always knew Stacy was a bitch and that you’re glad her and Brad have broken up. The longer (and louder) the conversation, the more hate points.
- Return to the dorm absolutely shit-faced and vomit on the floor
This is a big move and an even bigger commitment, because after you have done it, you’ll need to find a way of cleaning it up. You finally make it back to the dorm after a long night consisting of way too many tequila shots and the second you lay down you regret it all. Your mouth is watering and you waste too much time laying there trying to figure out if this is the real deal or a false alarm. It’s too late, before you have the chance to decide, your body decides for you. It’s the real deal. You try to make it out of the room but you don’t quite get there in time. Tequila vomit now covers the floor of your dorm room and it smells less than ideal. Someone MIGHT get up and offer to help you but it’s far more likely that they will just lay there, curse your name using some colourful words and shoot you some absolutely filthy looks the next morning.
- Bring that special someone you found in the club back to the dorm
After a successful night in the club you’ve found yourself a honey and you it’s time to get out of there and head to somewhere a little more quiet so you can get to know one another…Yeah right. What you really want is to bring said honey back to the dorm so you can get a lil freaky, and that’s exactly what you do. After jumping in a cab to speed the process up a bit, you barge into your dorm room, letting everyone know you’re about to get lucky and then it’s game on. Extra hate points if you’re on a top bunk.
- Brag about all the places you’ve ‘done’ and how cultured you are thanks to your 6 week Euro trip
This is a good way to spend a decent amount of time talking about yourself and pissing people off at the same time. Double whammy. Statistics also show that people who have travelled with Stoke are especially good at bragging about all the fun they’ve had on their travels, all the cool fiestas they’ve been too, all the super hot people they’ve met (and made out with) and all the free beer they’ve consumed. Asking them if they’re going to La Tomatina or Oktoberfest (proof that you’re cultured) is also a good way to rub salt deep into the wound, even more so if they say yes but they’re not going with Stoke. Losers. Make sure you tell them to have fun watching you have the time of your life while they sit miserably across the campsite with no hot food, no free beer or sangria, no live music and no hot babes. Cause that’s what will happen. Oh well, you warned them, they should’ve come with Stoke.
Come and hang out with us at LA TOMATINA ou Oktoberfest for the opportunity to do all of these things, but without people hating you, because there’s a very high chance they are also doing all of the above. We all like to do all the dumb things together so that no one gets left behind! Book your trip with us now to ensure only the best of times and none of the worst.