La doublure d'argent: Mo 'Trump Mo' Travels
Why a Trump presidency means more holiday plans
What a time to be alive! A time of change, of progress, a time when the pre-existing political structures are being challenged by a charismatic outsider, where we can really get down to the business of making America great again. Unfortunately these times will be over when Barack Obama leaves the White House in January and signs the lease over to the anus-mouthed mandarin, and as such, there’s never been a better time to demolish that bucket list, because with the apocalypse looming you might be running out of time…
It’s not you, America, it’s me. I just think we should see other countries… no, fuck that, it’s completely you.
Anyway, our business is silver linings, and as such we’ve analysed the complexities of the looming geopolitical situation and compiled all the information you need to know about Donald Trump’s new world order and how it means that you have to be a carefree vagabond.
- If you travel to Europe in 2017 you won’t be in the United States.
Let’s be frank, nobody wants to be in the United States between 2017 and 2021 unless you’re an elderly, uneducated, rural white guy. We say that for the four years let them have it! They can frolic in the hay with their cousins and pass the days idling alongside their defunct factories waiting for the Trumpmeister General to come swooping in on his golden toilet, waving his magic pussy grabber and reviving unsustainable industries.
While they’re waiting for that unlikely event, the inner cities and suburbs will likely descend into the kind of race wars nobody bar the worst elements of the police force wants anything to do with. With the Trumping of the Democratic party the tinderbox that has been America’s urban sprawls was just doused in nuclear gasoline and have you heard? That Tinderbox soaked in plutonium petrol just met a nice welding flame on Tinder. Do you think that Donald Tantrump is going to placate police brutality? How will an increasingly disenfranchised minority population react to its increasingly inhumane treatment by the law? Trump wanted his supporters to beat up protesters in his rallies, what’s he going to empower his police to do when people are rioting in the streets?
What we’re saying is that America ain’t going to be pretty, unless of course you’re the aforementioned relative-rompin’ old boy waiting for his coal mine to fire up again. Get out of there! And while election results like these tell us that we need to respect the wants and needs of the simple farming folk, and you guys totally should, they don’t even have passports, and as such are of absolutely no interest to us.
As for the rest of you, travel abroad before the police force completely militarises, and where better to wait out the impending fuck-storm than sunnnnny Europe, home to all kinds of nice things, like art and wine, and seemingly a hundred million miles away from all of your problems and concerns and tasers.
- Soon you won’t be able to travel anyway
Trump’s the kinda guy who fucks everything he touches, or at least moves on it like a bitch as he tries to fuck it. It’s only a matter of time before everyone who speaks English is tarred with the same brush and we’re all banned from everywhere for crimes of repetitious pesting. And this doesn’t just apply to citizens of the disUnited States of north America, oh no siree, because when you’re travelling around the foreigns and you speak English everyone just assumes that you’re a yank, unless your skin is transparent and your mouth looks like you’re chewing on piano keys. Because Cletus and Billy Bob Ray wanted to have a little tantrum against democracy, now we’re all eventually going to be unwelcome everywhere. Don is going to insult every nation that looks sideways at him, and not on a presidential level, but on the way that they look, their walk, he’ll say that they smell and when they fire back at the waddling fuck Trumple he’ll answer back with a diplomatic, I know you are, I said you are, but what am I?
Now is the time to head overseas, while people still pity us and will take us into their homes and feed us and massage our feet and maybe give us a happy ending, while cooing in their accent that Everything will be muy bien, cariño, eat the soup and rest your head on my chest. Then Trump will come out in response to some Italian Big Brother housemate saying that his hair looks like semen straw, call a press conference and tell the world that Mediterranean women have mono brows, and before you know it the rug will be pulled out from under your feet and you’ll be out in the cold.
We could go on, and we will, but for now just know that if you’re not proud of your president and want to trade in your passport for a Stoke passport to good times, we think that that’s a great idea. Why stagnate in the States when you can be elbow deep in European good times? Get outta there, you crazy damned fool, come and embrace us and the nice things while they’re going hot.