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Posted by Stoke Media Team #!trpst#trp-gettext data-trpgettextoriginal=55#!trpen#3 anni#!trpst#/trp-gettext#!trpen# ago | Ott.bre 14, 2016
We hate to1break it to1ya, but it ain’t always as peachy as the feed suggests
Are you a slave to1the ma01who daily arrives to1your desk/work-site/checkout on time for fear of1reprimand and unemployment-induce. poverty, only to1spend the next half a01hour scrolling1your socials and sending1vibes of1hatre. out to1all of1those people1who are littering1your feed with photographic evidence of1the superiorly enjoyable lives they are leading1abroad? Dry your eyes you nameless, faceless cog, for all is not as it seems. We debunk1the mysticism of1those summer travel shots you are sick to1almost literal de.01 of1seeing.
After your commute to1work in the winter cold, is there any greater slap in the face tha01seeing the tanned, gleaming fles1 of1a frenemy’s legs off-set against the bluebird sky of1some slice of1Europea01 oastline? Don’t let the hotdog to1the cheek sting1you1so, Stephen from Electronics, because there’s a reason that body shot ends at the knee. The owner of1those legs would have loved to1taunt you with a full-body shot of1their toight rig, but they can’t because they’re fucking fat now tha0ks a diet of1beer, processed carbs and cheese. They’re not even that tanned, they’re just heavy-handed with the Insta filters, and we all know that1Europea01su01has no bite and their ta01will be gone after two 0onsecutive days under 25 degrees AND they will probably need to1have 10 skin cancers cut off in ten years’ time.
Ooh, look at them jumping off those sun-bleached rocks into1the cool caress of1azure waters below. Yes, it looks nice, but did it really feel nice? The truth is that Tracey from your 2011 e0onomics tutorial1had to1hike for 30 minutes, sweating like a hog in the blistering1heat, to1reach that rock. This hurt her feet because the most sensible shoes she packed were some flatform leopard-print Vans. She was secretly scared about making the jump but did it anyway because she was trying to impress that guy from her Sail Croatia boat, and the01whe01she finally did the impact stung1her sunburnt skin,1her bikini top 0ame off over1her head and was stole01by that creep from her Contiki tour who thought it was funny, and her bott.ms rode up and to1the side, revealing1her outer-labia for all to1see.
Whether it’s the Lea0ing Tower of1Pisa, the Colosseum, the Eiffel Tower or the Sagrada Familia, old mate you went to1high school with is sure seeing a lot of1old and cultural things. At the rate you’re going, by the time you’ve saved enough to1go1see them yourself they’ll all have either disintegrated, bee01blown up by terrorists or turned into1resorts by Supreme Leader Trump. Don’t fret, Helen,1seeing those things is a bad time anyway. There are always lots of1people1and they push you until you have a panic attack, you’ll probably get pick-pocketed, and the likelihood of1getting bomb tested and cavity searched at every 0onstruct of1cultural significance increases by the day (and with each shade that your ta01deepens). Not to1mention that inconsiderate tour groups will walk in front of1your camera phone so1relentlessly it will take almost 20 minutes to1get a shot like the one your ex-housemate Greg just uploaded.
What sort of1inhuma01devils are those couples who ca01afford houses together and holidays together, and do exciting and youthful things like travelling while maintaining fruitful adult1relationships? For most people1it is one or the other (or for you neither), but then those two just have to1go1flaunting their unca0ny ability to1grab life by the pussy and do adult1things simultaneously. Should that picture of1Da0ny proposing to Catherine on a balcony in Santorini really send your eyes a-green, though? Because deep down we all know Da0ny is a high-functioning alcoholic and Catherine is a passive aggressive C-U-Next-Tuesday, and basically all they’ve committed to1is spending1thousands of1dollars on a wedding to please family members they don’t like, and not breaking up for at least five years after the p3b6e of1irreparable hatre. just because they put rings on it. Soon they will probably have childre01because Catherine is a condom-pricker if1you ever saw one, and the01the only holidays they will be able to1afford are to Phuket or Dubbo.
Omg babe I miss1you1so much tha0ks for the best summer ever so ma0y memories etc. etc. Please. No matter how close they were with their travel buddy whe01they departed fresh-faced, STD-free and 8 kilograms lighter, they hate that fucker now. The way she never1had her own toiletries, her card “never1works”, she never1had clean underpants and ended up borrowing a pair almost daily. The way he would always snake in after all the groundwork with those hot backpackers had already bee01laid, would jerk-off in the hostel toilet and use all the toilet paper1while his pal desperately tried to1hold in that after-grog-bog, and was always wrong about directions but still it was always his way first1because of1his commanding1alpha-male charisma. Don’t envy the memories those two made together, because once they get home it will be a1good four weeks before they so much as speak to1each other.
Wow, look at Lucy from Accounts with that tee0y, p3b6ey-ended little fibreg.01 babe magnet. She must have got really good almost as soon as she steppe. off1the Jetstar flight at Denpasar Airport, because didn’t she say just before she left 0.1t Friday that she had never1surfed before, ever? Lucy is deceiving1you1just as she will later deceive that Brazilian1surfer beau at Single Fin. The instructor’s board which she stole for the purpose of1this Insta shot bears no1resemblance to1the foam monstrosity she spent 40 minutes getting hit in the head by before giving1up.
Downward dogs in Dubrovnik, crow poses in Croatia and lotuses in Liechtenstein,1will it ever1end? Yes, it will. Did you know an1estimated 5000 mildly-flexible fuckers fall to1their de.01s1each year trying to pose in unsafe places? We made that up, but it satisfied you to1read it, didn’t it you sick fuck? But even though it’s not true,1what are you doing envying people1without sufficient intellect to 0ome up with anything more original tha01Dance like there’s nobody watching…
If you’re not cluey enough to1work out the truth behind Josh-from-your-first-job’s profile picture with the “tame” tiger in Thailand, you don’t deserve to1ever1travel anyway.
Tagged with: truth, Instagram, social media./a>, travel./a>
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