The Snow Is The Best Place To Pick Up
We love the snow! Because we have to, because snow is one of the few redeemable features of the long winter that wraps Europe up for a quarter of the year. While in London town all you get for winter is a relentless, miserable drizzle, on the continent winters can be cool and sunny, like in Barcelona, or cold and snowy, like in Andorra — a short drive up the road. That’s why, for the months of January, February and a dash of March we make the drive up to Andorra every weekend to get our fix of snow, and to try our luck with ski bums and snow bunnies.
The snow, you see, is one of the world’s best places to get lucky, to find love or at least someone to pretend with for a night or an hour. It’s something about that mountain air, the way the sun reflects off the snow and leaves your object of affection sunburnt like a racoon. Something in the swoosh of the skis and smell of hot wax dripping over the snowboard’s bottom, just waiting to be punished on rails and over funboxes, you kinky thing you. Here’s why Stoke Travel figures that the snow is the best place to pick up.
The ride up the mountain
The key to picking up is proximity. Sure, the guy on the other side of the world sliding into your Instagram DMs telling you of your beauty and requesting to see your bobs n vagene might think that he’s in with a chance, but if he’s not within striking distance he’s got no hope, despite his silky approach. But on the ride up the mountain you’ve got plenty of time to prove to your fellow ski trippers that you’re just a regular gal. Set them up with stories and jokes about your vast ski-field experiences, keep them interested with your vast knowledge of Andorra, then knock them out by offering to show them a thing or two up on the hill. They’re captive, they can’t escape your charm, and by the time they’ve arrived in Andorra you’ll be the only person they can think of — for better or worse.
Plenty of clothes
Winter’s the best time to pile on a couple of extra kilos, their insulating effect protecting you from the worst of the season’s chill. It’s also the best time to be a chubby little lover because the opportunities for you to get down to your speedos are nil to naught. So up on the hill when you’re packing your love handles into three layers of water repelling insulation, wrapping your cankles in snowboard boots and disguising chins three to six under a dashing little scarf, you can fool just about anyone into thinking you’re far hotter than you currently are — and once they find out otherwise they’ll already be so into you it won’t matter! Win!
The best time to snuggle up to that hot guy while you complain of the cold and ask him to warm you up. Tuck into the warm pit of his arm and dream about how nice it would be to wake up like that, minus the aforementioned overgarments, and then make that dream a reality, Jessica!
We all fall down together
Because we’re all a bunch of goofs on the mountain. What a great leveller the winter sports are, making the most prima of donas look like a fresh-born giraffe, legs akimbo and butt usually higher than their head. You fall down with her, she falls down with you, you land on top of each other tangled up like a chubby nylon pretzel, have a good laugh, gaze deeply into each other’s goggles, and continue doing that for the rest of the day. Gals love it when you can laugh together, and there’s nothing funnier than being a clutz on the mountain.
Or, we show off our skills
Unless, of course, you’re an absolute killer on the hill and you can show your new beau just what you’re capable of, shredding circles around him, not in an arrogant way, just competently, popping little jumps here and there, tapping him on the butt with your poles as you whoosh by, giving him pointers. The only reason you get good at skiing is so you can show off like this.
Altitude makes the shots work faster
Once you’re done falling down, or flying high, while all the while flirting, you can suggest to the snowbunny in your sights that you guys retire to the slopeside bar for a couple of apres-ski shots of schnapps. The beauty of drinking alcohol on the mountain is that the altitude makes the booze work better, meaning that half way through Schnappy Hour the babe you’ve just spent a whole day flirting with will realise just how damn sexy you are, in addition to funny, witty, compassionate and brave, as exemplified by your day on the slopes. Don’t have too many, you’ve got a long night ahead of you, but just a couple will put you in good stead for the night ahead.
After ski spas and saunas
The perfect time to initiate a little skin-to-skin contact with your soon-to-be lover. Shed those layers of nylon and gloriously show the sauna your winter coat, get nice and sweaty and then jump in the pool. Let your hair hang limp over your face before sweating it out again in the spa. If you go through this then anything that happens later on, the sweat, the bad hair, the skin on display, has already been seen. By the time you’ve gotten out of the spa and sauna you’ve practically hooked up.
A night out
Dinner’s included in the package, so there’s no need to worry about who’s going to pay for the date, and the wines will just so compliment the schnapps from earlier. When you hit the club there might be some thirsty guys around trying to cut your grass, but the job’s already done. Now the only thing you have to worry about it…