Stoke Travel's Guide To Pasen
It’s a good weekend to get hammered, nailed, crucified and resurrected like a real god amongst men.
It seems like some holidays are little more than gratuitous excuses to eat a lot and receive gifts, but unlike Christmas, Easter is a holiday that actually has some religious significance. As the story goes, some guy a long time ago got himself into a bit of a pickle over this long weekend, and when it seemed like he was totally fucked he surprised everyone and came good. Here at Stoke Travel we love stories — especially those that we can emulate in our day-to-day-to-night-to-bender partying life. So in the interest of honouring the bonafide mad-dog and water-wine convertor/long-hair-beard-combo hero, here’s Stoke Travel’s guide to Eastering like Jesus would have.
Step One: Get Crucified On The Friday
Jesus went to the trouble of pissing off the Romans, but getting crucified need not be that difficult (especially if there are no Italians handy). At the end of the day getting crucified means that you just have to get hammered and/or nailed. Now you’re reading this, so we’re going to assume that as a Stokie you’re an old expert at getting yourself hammered, on a long-long weekend no less, but getting nailed could be another issue altogether. Just remember to surround yourself with a solid squad of apostles, twelve’s a good, round number, and make sure to have an elaborate last supper before you hit the lash and get well and truly flogged on whatever poison floats your boat. Beware of Judases within your team of disciples, because there’s always going to be someone who will try and bring you down around people who you’d like to nail you, especially when your behaviour is so saintly. Play your cards right and keep your squad tight and youĺl be hammered and nailed before you know it. Once you’re well and truly crucified the only thing you have to worry about is being hung over, which isn’t as bad as the end of poor Jesus’ night, when he was hung up. That said, your recovery process will be surprisingly similar.
Step Two: Find A Dark Cave To Recover In
You’ll probably feel like you’re dead after such a huge night, in which case we recommend that you retreat to a cave or something similarly tomb-like in order to lick your wounds and devote some time to recovery. If you can get a young lady of dubious morals to visit you while you’re in this recovery mode, all the better, or maybe your mum or maybe both. We recommend that you turn your phone off for this process, so that you’re completely in the dark, and have faith that if you use this time of solitude to recover as much as possible. If necessary administer some wine to take the edge off the hellish inferno that is raging inside your head. The Easter weekend is notorious for being more of a marathon than anything else, and you’re never going to be considered the messiah if you call it quits after one big night.
Step Three: Resurrect And Find Paradise, You Holy Son Of A God
Now that you’re well rested it’s time to come back from the dead, turn your phone on, hit the group chat with something like, I am resurrected! Now come and feast your eyes on my body while we pre-game for another party of biblical proportions, and repeat step one. The second of Easter’s multiple shindigs will seem difficult at first, but the reward is eternity in paradise/legend status amongst your squad, and is therefore so worth it. Friends and strangers will be impressed by your rebounding and partying skills and may think that you are indeed immortal — let them think that. Being the chosen one, a messiah among your peers, and partying so hard that every day you almost die for your sins, and the enjoyment of your crew, is what Easter is all about.
Enjoy your Easter and use it as a training session for SPRINGFEST! Places are filling up fast, but we have some special deals for you if you drag along a small group of disciples. 50% off if you can bring FIVE along with you, and your trip for free if you can convince TEN to follow you like lambs to the beer-soaked slaughter. Come into the light and check the trip for more details.