Cinco Tinder Travel Pics Você está doente de ver e por que eles são bandeiras vermelhas
Five Travelling Tinder Users to Avoid
The second installment in our Pics You’re Sick of Seeing series focuses on matters of the heart (and the humpy bits). Travellers get excited about broadening their horizons and broadening their pool of potential sexual partners, a task made much easier by that geographic genitalia finding app, Tinder. The only problem with Tindering abroad is that as you travel from tourist hot-spot to backpacker magnet and so on and so forth, you’ll find yourself within the radiuses of numerous other thirsty travellers, and you will notice that within their carefully curated Tinder pics certain stock images keep resurfacing. Smell a little fishy? That’s because it is, and not in a good way. Here’s five Tinder travel pics you will encounter, and the reasons why you should swipe left as soon as you do.
- Inappropriate poses at genocide memorials
Whether it’s chillin’ at the Killing Fields or high-fiving at the Holocaust Memorial, nothing says “I’m a sociopathic narcissist who will probably kill you in your sleep” like someone who looks merry as Pervy Uncle Dave at Christmas at sites saturated in the memories and remains of some of humankind’s worst atrocities. Anyone not sufficiently disturbed by the blood-stained tiles of Tuol Sleng to be put off taking selfies is someone you don’t want to be getting freaky with, because their idea of freaky is probably heaps freakier than yours.
- Photos with mistreated animals
Isn’t it just totally unbelievable that those tigers will let you pat them? Yes, it is. Thailand’s infamous Tiger Temple has been accused of drugging their charges so that tourists can get close enough for a happy snap, making Sven from Sweden’s selfie with the big cat significantly less attractive, no? In a recent raid, jars containing preserved cubs were unearthed and even some of the monks were caught furry-handed with pelts and teeth. Anyone willing to grab a drugged pussy is only one step away from being Donald Trump, and that’s not the kind of person you want to be meeting for an espresso martini. Similar offenses include elephant rides and happy-snaps at substandard zoos. They say people who are cruel to animals are more likely to be serial killers, so even if you’re a cunt who doesn’t care about animals, you should at least care about your own hide, or that too will be sold on the black market.
- White messiah/naive voluntourist pics with poor kids
We’re not saying that people who volunteer to build wells in an African village for two weeks have bad intentions, we’re just saying that any delusions of voluntourist placements creating significant or lasting change are probably a bit naive, and narcissistic. So is romanticising the suffering of children in the developing world through Instagram and Tinder snaps which portray brown kids crowded around a white saviour. This person is likely to take you on three dates and then vanish, and then months later you’ll hear from a mutual acquaintance that they told everyone that you said they were the best you ever had, which you never even said.
- Back shot staring wistfully at view
Yes, these shots are aesthetically pleasing, but we all know what we’re here for and we want to see what your face looks like, not the back of your head. Everyone looks good from a distance with their Euro summer tan offset against some shade of blue (ocean/sky/mountain terrain), but is it wise to swipe right on Igor from Russia as he stares out from atop a Grecian cliff? Probably not. If Igor was a legitimate babe, he wouldn’t be afraid of throwing in a little close-up for us. Don’t fall for it, swipe left.
- Terrible quality pixelated body shot which obscures rig
These pics present a similar issue to those discussed in point 4. Although your potential bumpin’-uglies-buddy is giving a little more away with a swimwear shot, the terrible picture quality and long-distance from camera makes it hard to tell whether they are fully ripped or holding that coconut to strategically cover some extreme sag. Does Andrew from Amsterdam have a six-pack or a spare tyre under that inflatable flamingo flotation device? And what sort of shape is Bianca from Brisbane in? You just can’t tell, she’s half obscured by her 10 friends also in bikinis. In fact, which one even is she… Besides, who doesn’t have a smartphone with an eight-million megapixel camera these days? There’s no excuse for such a poor quality shot, unless said picture is 5+ years old, and why would anyone use such an outdated representation of their firm af physique? We’ll tell you why, because Greg from Gladstone reached his brief physical peak in 2011, and things have only deteriorated further since he took to the road and started subsisting on shitty beer and sauce-drenched kebabs.
Photo from tigersoftinder.com