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BREAKING: Cloud Cover Ruins Super Moon
WORLD: Flower children, mouth breathers and earth walkers are tonight indignant that an unwelcome and unasked-for cloud cover obscured their view of the “super moon”.
The supermoon, the largest of its kind in almost 70 years, is the result of the moon’s mundane oval orbit occasionally bringing Earth’s natural satellite slightly closer to human beings, making it appear larger in the night sky. This purely physical phenomena has been imbued with all kinds of quasi-spiritual mystical powers by unscientific and overimaginative fairy fondlers, with gypsea wandering mermaids the world over flocking to meaningful vantage points to witness its rise before those fucking prick bastard clouds got in the way.
“This super moon was going to be in Pieces”, said one young lady who smelled of cabbage and refused to give us her ‘Earth name’, “and represents love, compassion and understanding, as well as being connected to intuition, imagination and healing.
“My crystals were in desperate need of a recharge, so I came out here, to my peaceful place by the sea, to let my crystals bathe in her recharging glow, and to really channel the healing effects of this very spiritual moment.
“But look at this bullshit! Fucking clouds, now I don’t know where the super moon is rising, so how can I know which way to face when I’m saluting it? Un-fucking-believable. I mean, I came all the way out here just to see the moon rise, and now these stupid fucking clouds sit there obstructing my view? What the actual fuck.”
Stoke Travel suggested that despite being less mysterious and pretty, the clouds that were obstructing the view were an integral part of the water cycle, something that is proven to benefit all life on Earth, and anyway, if the moon was loaded up with super powers, wouldn’t they permeate the cloud cover and influence life on Earth anyway? The only logical explanation for super moons having any effect on human beings is because of the gravity they exude, and gravity does not require being seen to feel its effects.
“Oh who gives a fuck?”, Raw Flower Hemp Tits (not her real name) responded, “I haven’t posted one thing on Instagram tonight and was banking on a big super moon shot. I even had a quote prepared, I see the moon and the moon sees me, goddess bless the moon and goddess bless me, but what’s the fucking good of that now? I mean, I can’t even see the fucking cunt of a moon, let alone get a photo of it.”
All around the world similar plaintive howls can be heard from equally peaceful people, as they’re again let down by a universe that has absolutely no interest in their personal well being, or their stupid crystals, because it’s the universe and the universe pushes around planets and blows up stars and shit and doesn’t give a fuck about you and your crystals.
Beanbag Turnip Ham had a final thought on the matter. “Yeah? Well doesn’t the universe know that I’ve been manifesting this Insty shot? It’s not like I just turned up expecting it, I visualised it happening. Anyway, what would you know, you’re just ignorant and not spiritually advanced like I am.”