Stoke Travel’s Guide To Not Taking Drugs On New Year’s Eve
Ooh look at Stoke Travel being all edgy talking about drugs… what a cool travel company. But look, we’d have our heads up our butts if we thought that some of our Stokies don’t like to alter reality, and what better time to get royally messed up than New Year’s Eve? So if you were thinking about getting high this silly season, we’ve created this little guide to not taking drugs, and instead indulging in legal and morally sound alternatives to illicit substances.
And if you do drugs or not, join us at Hogmanay for Edinburgh’s famous, and probably the world’s best, NYE party.
Piss, booze, sauce, drinks, hoochie, hoochie mamma
Pros: more confidence, better at dancing, increased social skills, inflated sense of attractiveness, heightened feelings of friendliness towards your chums
Cons: aforementioned pros might, or might not, be only in your head. Tactical spews/naps. Slight chance of becoming a massive downer/bummer/piss-wreck/cry baby. Relentless desire to pee, matched with lack of inhibitions about where you do it. Hangovers. Seriously, fuck hangovers.
Alternatives: maybe travelling back in time and alter your childhood to become a more well-rounded individual who doesn’t need alcohol to navigate social situations? Perhaps withdrawing from society altogether could be an alternative to drinking booze, also. (Note: Stoke Travel has a vested interest in your boozing, considering that we offer an open bar at most of our destinations for the nominal fee of €10 per day).
Durries, darts, ciggies, bungers, cancer sticks
Pros: look cool, satisfy your urge to suck on something.
Cons: don’t really look cool, stink real bad, die.
Alternatives: vaping! Just kidding, we’d rather die than vape. We would say that an alternative to smoking is simply not smoking, but that goes out the door with your second beer. Perhaps limit the harm by not buying cigarettes yourself. You’ll save money and reduce the urge, while cutting down other people’s intake.
Pot, weed, hooch, hoochie mamma, devil’s lettuce, extreme spinach, choof
Pros: chills you out, makes you laugh/eat a lot.
Cons: who wants to be chilled out at a party?
Alternatives: a bit of a tough one. Maybe just go hard all night so you finish up in a starving, exhausted state of delirium. Marijuana’s antisocial effects can be mimicked by simply drinking less/doing less of the “fun” drugs.
Acid, trips, sid, tabs, holy moley this shit is good, crazy paper
Pros: opens your mind to the infinite possibilities of the universe, gives you a greater understanding of absolutely everything, builds sweet abdominals from laughing so much.
Cons: a real and present chance of permanently and irreversibly going mad.
Alternatives: short of finding toads to lick, you could just watch conspiracy videos for two days straight to really awaken your pineal gland and open your third eye, then eat a bunch of cheese before going to sleep, so that you can have really disturbing, vivid dreams (in the safety of your own bed, as opposed to when surrounded by literally tens of thousands of strangers).
Eccies, MDMA, MD, molly, pingers, bickies, pills, howzyas, flippers
Pros: become a nicer person, really connect with your family and friends and complete strangers, feel the music, love your life, just quite simply enjoy the world and your place in it on an unforeseen level.
Cons: the higher you get, and better you feel, the worse you look. Being too nice, too lovey, and making promises to people that you have no intention of keeping the following day.
Alternatives: try falling in actual love, rather than having to synthesise it.
Coke, charles, chucky boy, baggies, rack
Pros: super inflated sense of self, ability to drink like a Scottish fish, plenty of stamina and sex drive.
Cons: super inflated sense of self, need to drink like a Scottish fish, lack of physical ability to go with the sex drive (mostly men).
Alternatives: take a job in finance and listen to nothing but motivational podcasts. Wear earplugs so you can never hear what anybody else is saying. Talk a fucken lot.
Amyl nitrate, brain exploder, butt facilitator
Pros: a brief, but intense, rush of blood to the head. An overwhelming high that will put you on your butt for a moment. A muscle relaxant that facilitates sex, especially butt sex.
Cons: doesn’t really fuck you up, so what’s the point really? Can give you an exploding heart if taken with viagra.
Alternatives: ask your friend to hit you in the face, paint a house without ventilation, or just use plenty of lube.
K, special K, Aunty Kay, K and the Gang, horse tranquil-kaiser
Pros: you’ll be able to hang with the cool kids with a bag of K. Enjoy music that is patently terrible. Watch yourself enjoying terrible music from across the room.
Cons: lose all sense of everything. Maybe fall into the K-hole and never return. Appear to the outside world like a literal zombie.
Alternatives: maybe just try something milder, like a horse chamomile tea, or a nice horse shoulder massage with horse essential oils.
Meth, crank, goey, ice, shard, the glass bbq
Pros: greatly increase productivity by never sleeping again.
Cons: transforming into the world’s biggest pest. Discover that everybody is talking about you. Literally peeling your face off.
Alternatives: play the 100 club with espressos. Snort a line of sugar. Let ants crawl all over you.
Horse, H, white lady, sweet mamma hazz, smack, junk
Pros: the best feeling in your life.
Cons: will likely be the last thing you feel.
While we obviously don’t encourage illegal drug taking, we’re not going to be overly judgemental if you, as an adult, decide that our alternatives don’t cut it and you want to go with the real thing. To be fair, Hogmanay is plenty of fun without illicit substances, but it also might be more fun with them. We don’t know, it’s up to you. Alls we know is that you should join us this New Year’s Eve in Edinburgh for the world’s best street party, drugs or no drugs, for one helluva party.