They Say Travelling Will Change You… For The Worse, You Chubby Funster. Five Ways To Piss Off The Pudge
Lose those unwanted kilos without killing your newly accrued cool
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. “Fat” is subjective. Fat is subjective and you are your own harshest critic and you know that the reason you can only fit into pants with elastic waists at the moment is NOT because of that sub-par laundromat you visited in Romania. The pints, the pretzels, the croissants, they’ve all added up and the resulting total is more than a few spare kgs. You want to return home to cries of, “Oh, you look great!” and “You’re so tanned!”, not reunion hugs made awkward by people adjusting to your increased girth. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled five steps to help you shake those Euro-cakes.
- Food poisoning
Somehow you managed to survive that side-of-the-road-potentially-pigeon-meat hotdog and the water from the port-a-loo tap, but now it is really time to push your stomach to its bacteria-fighting limits. If chowing into a hunk of raw chicken just ain’t your thang, nothing says, I’m going to vom everywhere like a seafood buffet at the end of the day, or licking the inside of your fridge’s meat drawer or simply chugging two litres of milk. And although all you’ll probably see for the few days post-poison is the inside of your toilet bowl, we promise the fever-induced hallucinations will almost be as good as the time you ate magic truffles in Amsterdam and inhaled a family-size box of nuggets.
- Don’t get a job
You were dreading entering the real world anyway, so why bother? We know you’re broke, but nothing says waif-shabby-heroin-chic like not being able to afford food. Dumpster dive, beg on the street, invest all your time into trying to become an Insta-famous, bikini-sponsored travel blogger. Before you know it you’ll be so thin that people will start forcing food on you and you won’t have to pay for it anyway, meaning you never have to go crawling back to your manager at that most despised hospitality/retail/tutoring/babysitting job. Stuff your roster Sharon, I’m a freegan now.
- Become a gluten-free vegan.
Too much choice can make you feel trapped by the burden of your own indecision. Go GFV, it will set you free. You’ll have a maximum choice of two dishes everywhere you go, and said dishes won’t contain animal fats, processed carbs, or that seductive and most malignant food-drug – flavour. Your groceries will be so expensive ($7 gluten-free bread loaf, anyone?) that you’ll be prohibited from overindulging, and your idea of “dessert” will become a teaspoon of peanut butter.
- Dance Yrself Clean
Stimulants are good for your metabolism AND suppress your appetite – like smoking, but better for you. So have a strong coffee, smash a sugar-free RedBull or find a little something stronger to give you wings and work it, is it worth it, put my name down flip it and reverse it. Twerk, drop it to the floor, shorty get low, dab, bump and, most of all, GRIND. Stimulant, rave, repeat for a week straight and you’ll be looking like Lindsay Lohan circa 2006 in no time.
- Ride dirty
This one may take a little more hard work than the others, but it is certainly the healthiest, most attractive and partially dignified option. Your Euro trip tall-tales will only stretch so far, and soon you will have to find methods of attracting mates other than talking about your truffle-trip in Amsterdam (AmsterDAMAGE, amirite?) – particularly as your tan starts to fade, slowly revealing the extent of the fleshiness underneath. Time to impress the babes with a bad-ass hobby. Whether you get some home-job tatts and go shred at the skatepark, get ripped and ride the green room or start carving white powder of a more natural kind, the physical effort involved in actually becoming good at something requiring athletic ability will see you looking tighter than your purse strings in no time. All of sudden you’re hot, you’re fit, and babes are hanging off your every curve (and we don’t mean the curve of your long-dead muffin top). Your supercharged sex-life will open the door for even more calorie burning, and before you know it you’ll be the best-looking and most sexually active you’ve ever been in your life.