5 Internet Faux Pas You Should Know Better Than
This morning I committed a cardinal internet sin and “replied all” to an innocuous internal email. This is my penance.
As we all know, millennials serve little purpose besides working untenable jobs which add no value to society, jobs which usually revolve around social media, emails, online content and other digital tripe. Some of us can’t even get that right, and I must confess that I myself am one such failure. Here is a guide to what not to do, so you can be a slightly more successful member of the worst generation to date than I am.
1. Reply all to office emails
At best, you’ve annoyed everyone in the office with an email they didn’t need to see. At worst, your boss now knows that you think her ass looks fat in those green pants and Terry in Marketing has found out that you hate him because of his bad grammar. In the words of my unforgiving superior, Think about who you want to see the email. Send the email to them. Another way to grind everyone’s gears is by receiving a whole-office email which is clearly a plea for team support and then only replying to the sender. Do both of these things consistently and you can cross “works well as part of a team” off your resume.
2. Inexpertly steal content for the company Instagram
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with a little #repost or #regram if you give credit where credit’s due, but a little subtlety wouldn’t go astray. Leaving watermarks from your weird Android apps all over the feed makes it clear that your Instagram is nothing but a series of screenshots sifted from every corner of the internet. Once? Forgivable. Five times? Your nan could do a better job.
3. Drop the accidental ‘thumbs up’ in the middle of a Facebook Messenger conversation
If you work for a cool, hip company like Google or Stoke Travel, you can expect some cool, hip workplace vibes. This means Friday afternoon office beers and also that your boss will probably be your friend on Facebook, which you will use for communications pertaining to your cool, hip and somewhat informal workplace. People once complained that it was hard to convey sarcasm over the internet, so Facebook invented the giant blue thumbs up, and there is nothing more amateurish than dropping one of these bad boys in the middle of a FB PM with your boss.
Bonjour Alan, I noticed you’ve been late the past few days. Can you please make an effort to be on time in future?
G’day Tracey, I noticed the petty cash that you’re in charge of is down an average of 50 each week, can you please stop stealing from us?
Congratulations Dom, we’d like to offer you a promotion!
4. Create a ridiculous promo code that you will be stuck with forever
Like all the best companies – Tupperware, Isagenix, Avon – we offer you the opportunity to make a little extra through commission. It is simple, people book exciting trips to exciting places such as Morocco and Andorra with your promo code and you get a kickback. But before you can begin your relentless self-promotion all over social media, you’ll need to devise said promo code. Sure, you want something memorable, but BUSHLORD69 was a shit email address and it’s a shit promo code too. We recommend the grandma test – if you wouldn’t repeat it in front of her, it’s a pretty good indicator that your code will seem less hilarious and more cripplingly embarrassing with each passing day.
5. Render yourself unemployable by turning your Facebook into a buy-and-sell or similar
What happened to the spirit of charity, of giving our unneeded items to those less fortunate? No one wants to buy your two-year-old gym socks for $5, no matter how small the hole on the right big toe is. No-one is going to agree to take you to the airport at 4am tomorrow morning when you’re asking via a status promising coffee and $8 petrol-money the night before. Lengthy statuses or text-heavy memes directed at your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/BFF/housemate/boss/husband/wife/dog make you look slightly insane, as does providing tantalising details of your non-fatal illness or injury in the hope of soliciting attention, only to infuriatingly tell all concerned parties to “PM” you so that the rest of us are prevented by our pride from ever knowing WHY you had to have that bandage on your finger. Employers are very adept at stalking these days, and statuses such as Omg in hospital for 30 min 2day not fun :’(, Well I guess you showed your true colours didn’t you after all I’ve done for you can’t believe what you said to Darren on Saturday I’m better off without you in my life mind your own business u dog and Used cat toys for sale good condition $3 each or $20 for all 5 are all examples of statuses which mean that even Pauline Hanson’s social media team won’t hire you.
It goes without saying that after my failing to follow my own advice, Stoke are now seeking new interns in a variety of positions to fill my very small shoes. If you enjoy good company, unlimited beer and sangria and not sucking at the internet, check out our website to see where you might fit.