A Traveller’s Guide To The Festive Season
‘Tis the season to be homesick
Or, at least, that’s what you assume that Christmas away from your nearest and dearest will yield. Yuletide misery; crying under the mistletoe. But what if we told you that it doesn’t need to be so? What if Crimbo on the other side of the world could be the best you’ve ever experienced? Follow our traveller’s guide to the festive season and we’ll show you how to have a foreign Christmas that would make the three wise men jealous.
Missing your family can be the highlight of the holidays
Yes, it’s sad to be away from the family you adore, but spending the season apart from racist relatives, argumentative aunties, feuding siblings, and so on can be really liberating. Blood is thicker than water, and you can’t choose your family, but a Christmas or two away from the excesses of their craziness can be refreshing. Spend the time instead with your adopted family and watch as they descend, one whisky at a time, into the same dubious behaviours that you skipped hemisphere to avoid.
You can do whatever you want
How many Christmases were ruined by your mum’s announcement that you had to spend the holidays with your weird cousins? Forced to swelter or shiver in their dog-poo crusted backyard having your cheeks pinched instead of running wild and free with your friends at home. As you got older and progress through your teens you can call kibosh on some of the more dubious family gatherings, but Christmas, Christmas doesn’t care if you’re Elon Musk, you’re devoting at least 12 hours of that day to sitting around a frosted glass table eating too many cheese snacks and listening to your dad and your uncle slide into slurring on account of too many liberally poured firewaters.
Well, as an adult on the other side of the world, you can do precisely and exactly whatever you want. You can eat nothing but ice cream, you can party your appetite into oblivion, you can strut about in your knickers and only drink mimosas all day – what. ever. you. want.
Nan’s not around to judge your drinking
This is a derivative of the first two points, but it’s a super important one that deserves its own time to shine. If you want to get shitfaced for Christmas – and there’s a million percent chance that you do – you can, and the best thing is that nobody, not one body, will judge you for it. Well, not your Nan, at least, unless you Skype her with your teeth stained crimson and a bra on your head and tell her how you always thought that her recently departed husband, your own goddamn grandfather, would have been a good shag back in the day. Then your grandma can judge you.
Save money on presents, spend money on you
Oh mum, I wanted to get you this amazing ______, but you know how postage is, it just wouldn’t be worth it. Oh yeah, I did get the ______ you sent me, thanks so much. What am I up to for the next few days? Oh I’m booked on the Hogmanay Party Train to Edinburgh for New Year’s Eve thanks to all the money I saved on getting you a goddamn present, as if buying your first house in the 1970s wasn’t a present enough, ya spoiled tart.
Click here for our foolproof (fool creating) plan for drinking through the Silly Season, here if you want to get your nearest and dearest a bull’s horn up the butt for Christmas, or maybe a litre or 70 of Germany’s finest amber ale. Merry Christmas, you orphaned legends!