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Stoke’s Guide To New Year’s Resolutions
What do you think about New Year’s resolutions? Are you in the it’s the thought that counts camp, seeing them as harmless attempts at bettering ourselves that can be discarded without feeling too much guilt? Or do you feel like you are nothing without your word and see the resolution as an insoluble pact made with the universe that must be adhered to at all costs lest you be not necessarily mad, but definitely disappointed in yourself…
Stoke Travel runs the dangerous balancing game of being spiritually flaky and all for ditching resolutions at the soonest possible convenience, changing plans, generally flip-flopping through life, but also being a literal company and therefore required to go through with everything that we throw out there.
So we’re going to roll like this. We’ll encourage you to change plans and ditch resolutions willy nilly, while we make unbreakable pinky-promise blood-pacts and stick with them NO. MATTER. WHAT. So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?
Giving up a vice
If it’s like heroin or something, then yeah, by all means give it the fuck up. Put that needle down RIGHT NOW, actually. Don’t wait for the New Year. But if we’re talking about booze, party drugs, even dirty cigs, maybe don’t go for the full cold-roast turkey approach and maybe just make a resolution to make more mature choices when engaging with your vices. Like, don’t quite booze altogether, because yawn, but also maybe don’t put rum in your morning coffee. Don’t ditch porn outright, but probably don’t watch it on the train. Resolve to be moderate, not abstinent, because like the wise guys always say, it’s best to be moderate in everything, including moderation itself.
Shaking some extra kgs/getting fit
Ok, so this one is pretty straight forward. It’s nice and it’s healthy for you to want to look as hot as possible. Literally nothing bad has ever come from young people being obsessed with looks and body image. But check this out, if you’re under 40 you’re super hot to most people. Literally everybody older than you wants to be as fresh and supple as you are and everyone younger than you is envious of your freedom to eat ice cream for dinner if you want to. So weigh up your options. Will shedding the pounds make you feel sexier in the nude? And is this worth giving up everything that makes life pleasurable when clothed? If you eat dinner naked then hats, and pants, off to you.
Getting your life in order
Some of the most interesting people we know are staring down the barrel of middle age and are still unsure of what to do with their lives. This makes us sad, because they work with us and you’d really wish they saw us as a stable, long-term career choice. In any case, wanting to put all of your ducks in a row is a noble endeavour, but that doesn’t really account for the nature of ducks! Have you ever known them to sit still, let alone form an orderly queue? Nope, ducks are erratic, like our lives should be, so instead of trying to get your life in order, why don’t you resolve to embrace the chaos, to let life take you wherever the heck it wants, to loosen your seatbelt and let the crazy roller coaster of existence fling you about the carriage. Why don’t you make a resolution to get your life in disorder? Eat some worms, fly south for the winter. Now there’s a New Year’s resolution we can get behind.
Get yo’self a boyf/girlf/bowf
Now while we’re big advocates of singledom and strings-free one-night stands, we’ve got to admit that up here in the northern hemisphere the prospect of having someone to hug at night and also make sweet humping with whenever you please sounds pretty pleasant to us. Winter time is the perfect time to lock someone down and then proceed to let it all go. Let the hair grow and the belly flow, let the comfort clothing creep in and may your meals be relentlessly hearty. Get yourself something to give you warmth through the cold nights, someone who inspires you to increase the frequency of your bedroom workouts, and then kick them to the curb come summertime, once the springtime sun has touched up your moon tan and the pre-summer partying has eaten away at the cold-weather chub. BUT, making this a New Year’s resolution is insane, and you know why? Have you even seen yourself on New Year’s Day? Coming out of the club looking like Gollum, curled up on the couch vowing to never drink again while up to your elbow in a bag of Doritos. Partying at a dayclub with eyes like deep-space dinner plates and a jaw that’s threatening to fly off and land itself in a new postcode. This is not the time to be out looking for a new lover. Fucken clean yourself up, have a wash, a nap, let the toxins make their way out of your peepee, change your clothes and for heck’s sake scrub those club stamps off your wrists. Then, and only then, do you have any business stepping out and taking yourself a temporary partner.
Making the train home
Finally a New Year’s resolution that we can get behind. New Year, new you making the gollydamn train home! What train? Stoke Travel’s very own recovery train, leaving from Edinburgh and rolling into London town. What are we talking about? Our New Year’s Eve Hogmanay blow out bonanza! The best way to do New Year’s, the most time and cost effective, maximum bang, minimum buck, what a blast, you’re going to love it. Have you booked a ticket yet? You’d best be doing that, because she’s just around the corner.
New resolutions, who dis?