A helping hand from Stoke to make sure you’re prepared for what this summer has in store. JOSEPHINE RYAN MURPHY Summer really is finally, almost here. Flights have been booked,…
How to get tomato seeds out of every orifice
You’ve just participated in La Tomatina, the biggest food fight in the world. You swear to god you’ll (probably) never look at gazpacho the same way. You’re covered in to-ma-to from your head to-ya-toes. You smell like a B.O.-ey Heinz factory and you’re genuinely wondering if a rogue tomato seed up the stink hole could sprout a vine in the small intestine. So you’re going to have to get those seeds out somehow… and this is no easy task. If you’re confused as to just how you should clean those cheeky bastards out of your cheekies (and everywhere else), be confused no more. This comprehensive list gives you instructions on how to obtain that cleanliness you so desperately desire , post-La Tomatina.
- Seeing holes – if you were damn stupid enough not to purchase a cheapo set of seeing hole protectors from a street vendor, this step is going to be very important. Buy The Lion King (or download it, you damn pirates). Also, buy a kilo of onions. Put face very close to onions and chop them whilst watching the scene where Simba finds Mufasa after the stampede. Release the wildebeest, release the tears, release the seeds.
- Hearing holes – take a piece of celery. Dip said piece of celery in vodka and insert into ear canal. And wham, bam, thank you ma’am: clean ears and an organic-ish bloody mary.
- Breathing holes – head straight Stoke’s San Sebastian surf camp after the festival. Attempt to tackle waves far beyond your ability and wipe out as many times as your already bruised body can take. Enjoy tap (and tomato) nose all over any surface you sit near for at least two days despues.
- Food hole – Take nearest beer bong, fill it with liquor and chug. Guaranteed to leave you bacteria free and even drunk. Bonus: Will kill any chance of intestinal seedlings and/ or return to your mouth for double the cleanliness .
- Shit hole – Take a baguette and break it in half. Use the round, non-crusty end, to insert into said orifice. You know you’re clean when the baguette resembles Catalan bread. Or bruschetta.
- Sex hole (females) – Go to the nearest supermarket and buy an entire stock of femfresh wash. Wash all up in there, turn your shower head on jet mode and spray the heck outta it. Might even be a bit pleasurable, enjoy.
These are only a slight exaggeration…There is going to be a lot of tomato to scrub off.
If you think about it…:
130 tonnes of tomatoes
X (at least 6) orifices
= 1 metric fuck ton of potential tomato orifice infiltration
Laugh about it now, Stokies. But you’re probably going to want to bookmark this URL. Just in case.
For example – if travelling to a hot climate, invest in a heavy pair of denim overalls, because there’s no better way to impress new friends and keep your temperament down then by sweating more than a nun at a cucumber stall.
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